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I wrote these for use on the podcast and I had TONS planned but they sadly never went anywhere. I still think it was a great idea. But I no longer want to just hold onto them so I’ll share them here as they’re basically micro fanfiction.
Background audio: generic cookout party or get together.
Person 1: How?
Person 2 with mouth full of food: how what?
Person 1: How can you just eat and eat and never gain any weight!? I’m sure I’m gaining weight just watching you eat!
Person 2: Oh it’s simple! I take Return!
Person 1: What’s Return?
Person 2: What’s Return? What’s Return?? Why it’s just the latest and greatest weight loss product from the Umbrella Corporation! Just one tablet alone will burn 30 lbs. in just one night!
Spokesperson: Return, eat all you want! Never exercise again! A product of Umbrella Pharmaceutical: “Better living through technology!”
Spokesperson speed up or read really fast. Or both: please see your doctor if any of the following side effects occurs, tingling or bloodshot eyes, Muscular atrophy, foaming at the mouth or sudden appetite for human flesh. Umbrella Pharmaceutical is a subsidiary of the Umbrella Corporation.
Umbrella Noodle Ad.
Spokesperson: Are you tight on cash and can’t afford the highly expensive foods for your diet? Well don’t waste your money settling for fast food or junk food! Introducing Umbrella Noodle. A full stomach at only 100 calories!
Raccoon Pizza Ad. 1
Mom: Ok sweetie, what do you want for diner tonight?
Annoying Kid: I WANT PIZZA!
Dad: But honey, we had pizza for dinner last night. Aren’t you in the mood for something else?
Annoying Kid: Noooo I WANT PIZZA! Raccoon Pizza has great pizzas, and if you don’t want one then get one of their wonderful hamburgers or calzones! Their number is 555-0277! They deliver or we can go pick it up!
Mom: She gets this from your side of the family.
Annoying Kid: Remember that’s 555-0277 and you can get some Raccoon Pizza!
Raccoon Pizza Ad. 2
Spokesperson: Off to work at the crack of dawn?
Sleepy person: uhhuh
Spokesperson: well why don’t you come on down to Raccoon Pizza and try a cup of our always fresh coffee or expresso? We even throw in two small slices of breakfast pizza for free with our early bird special!
Sleepy person: that sound *yawns* great
Red Herb IPA Ad
Spokesperson: everyone knows that Raccoon City is blessed with wonderful bounty of locally grown herbs that can be used in a variety of helpful ways. But, we also know that the Red Herbs alone generally does not provide nearly as much uses. Until today! Introducing Red Herb IPA! A drink that’s guaranteed to make you feel livelier with each bottle! Red Herb IPA *sound effect of a bottle opening and someone drinking* ah I feel better already!
Spoken really fast: warning contains alcohol. Raccoon city police doesn’t tolerate underage drinking or driving under the influence.
Raccoon Tec Ad
Person 1: OH MAN! [Smacking key bored] not again! MOM! MY HARD DRIVE JUST CRASHED! I JUST LOST EVERYTHING!!
Person 2: OH DARNIT! My PC keeps freezing!
Person 3: this stupid laptop won’t stop over heating!
Spokesperson: Tired of your hard drive crashing? PC freezing up? Laptop over heating? Well come by Raccoon Tec and we guarantee that we will find the problem and even offer replacement parts at discount prices.
Raccoon City Water Works Ad
Spokesperson: This broadcast is brought to you by Raccoon City Water Works, providing natural power to Raccoon City.
Raccoon Jon Ad
Background noise a toilet flushing.
Spokesperson: Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go, and there’s nowhere better to go, then the jon. So if you’re hosting a public event, you better make sure everyone has a place to go. So call us, Raccoon Jon 1-800-555-8134.
Raccoon City Link Ad
Spokesperson: Raccoon City Link is your local intercity bus line! We have stops at Opossum City, Kant City, Delucia, Latham, and more! Call 1-552-RCC-LINK for more information.
T6000 TURBO Computer Ad
Women: This computer is SOOO slow, if ONLY I had a faster one!
Grundy Steely: Hi, I’m Grundy Steely, and I’m here to tell you about the fastest computer on the market! The T6000 Turbo Computer! Used by the US Army, Used by the Umbrella Corporation, and now can be used by YOU!
Women: WOW THE T6000 TURBO IS SO FAST!
Spokesperson: The T6000 TURBO Computer, "feel the turbo!"
7 days of FUN! Ad
Spokesperson: The Raccoon City Annual Fair is starting on Tuesday September 22nd and ending on the 28th! 7 days of FUN!!
*Background music starts that outbreak music from the zoo*
Spokesperson: Enjoy the Raccoon City Pride Parade, The live comedy shows, games, food, and great music that will be provided by local popular bands such as, “The Punks”, “Read Killer”, “The Dead Punks”, and “Death Rock”! Also, the popular heavy metal band “Steel Heroes” is scheduled for one night ONLY! So get tickets while you can! ITS GOING TO BE FUN!!
Annual Film Festival Ad
Spokesperson: The Annual Film Festival is coming up! Expect theater viewings of cult classics, independent films, and locally made films! Plus, live QnA with their creators!
"I'll take my Survival Horror like I take my men" - George Trevor, September 3, 2017 at 6:10 PM
Funny how fans are writing better background lore than Capcom themselves.
"I've had enough of your bullshit! Your just another one of Umbrella's leftovers"